Have you ever felt like you were being pushed around by forces you couldn’t control? Do people continually not respect your space, your time, or your resources? Chances are you aren’t having a people problem so much as a boundary problem.
Boundaries are those invisible lines we set around ourselves to keep ourselves not only healthy but happy. They’re what tells the world around us just how far it can go. We set those boundaries when we make decisions for ourselves about who we want in our lives, and who we don’t. With good boundaries, we determine how much of our time, energy, and resources we’re willing to share.
The problem comes in when someone tries to push against those boundaries. It’s a hard fact of life that there will always be someone ready to take more of you than you’re willing to give. How do you preserve those boundaries when that happens?
1. Look for discomfort and resentment. Experiencing either one of these emotions should be an indicator that someone is pushing your boundaries. If you’re feeling either of these, it means it’s time to take stock and ask yourself why you’re feeling that way. Pay attention to the answers. It might be someone is pushing a boundary that you weren’t even consciously aware was being threatened.
2. Set up a support system. Healthy boundaries are hard to maintain alone. Having someone to encourage you when you’re flagging will make you more likely to succeed where you would fail alone.
3. Ask yourself how you’re feeling. It could be that you’re not feeling well. It’s impossible to put the energy into maintaining boundaries if you’re using it all up getting through the day. Could it be that you’re coming down with something? Or, and this is more likely, that you’ve been neglecting your self-care? Remember the basics: eat healthy, exercise, and get plenty of sleep. Anytime you have any one of these items out of balance you’re not going to feel well. And you’re certainly not going to have what it takes to preserve your boundaries.
4. What’s your history? It could be that if you’re having problems setting boundaries, it’s because you were raised in an environment that didn’t respect them. If you’re having serious trouble with things in your past keeping you from being able to maintain healthy boundaries today, then consider counseling or even therapy to address these issues. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help if you need it.
5. Don’t try to do it all at once. If you’re having a lot of trouble with boundaries, realize that baby steps will have a longer lasting impact than trying to revamp your entire life in one blow. Don’t crash and burn by trying to take on too much at once.
While it’s awesome that you’ve set personal boundaries to protect yourself, you need to remember that this is an ongoing process. You will have to take active steps to preserve those boundaries against invaders who wish to draw upon your resources without your permission. Solid boundaries, coupled with regular maintenance of those boundaries, will then assure you of a life that you can live confidently with high self-esteem.